I’m sitting on a plane bound for Chicago and find myself chewing on the first chapter of Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow, recommended by my roommate as a suggestion to handling my recent lay off and search for new employment. When I first pulled the cover back, I wasn’t expecting anything but a nice read. Something to inspire me, a story, scripture, a detachment of words that I would later say, “hmm, that was interesting” or “that was a good read.” It’s been smothered amongst my other books, finding its place at the bottom of the pile, until now.
Lost in myself, I wonder how many thoughts this porthole has heard. How many blank stares from people gazing out watching preparations being made or eyes drift into nothingness. I’m holding my breath as the weight of the world presses upon me. One recant of how I got here could put me in a tail spin of sobs. The buildup has finally exposed its ugly side in attitude and actions. I am discontent and this book just hit a nerve.
I could not tell you when this all began; I simply do not know, besides does it really matter when it all started? Is it not more important for me to surrender where I am, keeping a focus on Christ rather self and let God heal and fill the void. It’s so easy to get caught up in self, seeking to please the flesh and take on attitudes and drama envolked emotions this world offers. I see it all to often in my social circles. Even though we walk with Christ, daily carrying the cross, we as people get lost amongst the crowd anytime we make room for footholds.
Press on a voice says, open the book and continue reading, so I oblige. “God fills our cup with our portion, what He determines best. Our portion is our physical and emotional being, our abilities, circumstances, roles, and relationships. Sometimes we don’t like what’s been poured into our cup. Remember the Lord Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane? When He saw the suffering He was about to endure, He pleaded, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42). Christ grasped the handle of His cup and lifted it to God and said, “I accept my portion. Infuse me with Your strength that I may drink.”” There’s something comforting in this quote knowing, yes Lord, I must accept just your portion; I want to obey, my heart yearns for Your control and will. Yet, my flesh seeks to fight, how on earth did I get dealt this portion and it’s not something I wanted. Why me? Why now? I could question His plan until I’m blue in the face, but nothing will come of it. I know this from experience. I have to surrender to find peace, to find contentment. This book may have hit a nerve, but my worship music, today, Will Reagan & United Pursuit is softening my heart. My attitude has changed in just a couple hours. My portion He has given me becomes more accepting, though I still don’t know how to deal with most of it. He whispers, “be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) Sigh.
I may not find contentment today, but surely as He is in me, I will find peace and comfort in His words, music, beauty in the sky, clouds, and everything else I can see from this view miles above the earth.