Being on mission is the hardest calling I’ve ever lived through. At first, I was welcomed, and all the world seemed right, I even stopped arm wrestling with God about where He’s led me. Then, in an instant, everything changed. Now, five months later, everyday, I wanna quit. Plagued by fight or flight each morning, even after I’ve given my burdens and prayers to the Lord and gone through my daily devotionals filled with encouragement and support, I step from my Princess and the Pea bed, determined to stay focused on my task at hand. I hold my breath, turn the doorknob, and step into the unknown.
This mission field is full of grinding down and polishing rocks and it hurts. What one person expects isn’t what the other party expected. Our ideas have conflicted and it has caused an overwhelming tension between us and enhanced the spiritual attack that already resided here. They are exhausted and so am I. This process of trusting is so much harder than one would anticipate. It’s slow and drawn out. Its nail biting to wait and wait and wait for seeds to be sown and doors to open.
But God is moving, even when we can’t see it. He’s moving me to step into those uncomfortable moments to allow Him to speak through me. He’s challenging me to trust in Him more now than ever. He is strengthening me day by day with each person who holds me and this mission up in prayer and carves a path for me to walk in. He’s moving me to examine my own life and how I got here, emotionally flushing out my fears and anxieties. I know God is doing so much more than I have listed here, because I feel it. I feel His calm wash over me when I lean into Him. I feel His hand on my shoulder as He leads me into divine appointments with other followers of Christ. And some days, I see the haze clear from the eyes I was brought here to get to know.
Today, the tension appears to be lighter, yet, it doesn’t matter, I still wanna quit; stop fighting for the purpose of which He’s called me. I want to crawl into myself and cry. Perhaps I’ll go to the waters edge and wish I could stand in the greener grass on the other side. What then? Likely, I’d feel the pull to return to my purpose. Instead, I try to stay focused in prayer, giving over my hurts, praying over those of whom I am in conflict with, and rebuke the warfare that is wagged within these walls.
Father, You hold me closer and closer each day. Catching my silent tears and mending my heart. I praise You for these blessings. Thank You for loving me so much! Lord, I pray Your will be done in this conflict. For I don’t understand why You are doing what You are doing with me here. Father, help me daily to walk in a manner worthy of You. And when I wanna quit, teach me to dig deeper into the unknown. Open doors where you see I need to walk through, and bless those lives who crave You but don’t know how to restructure their lives to put You as the center.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8