Arm Wrestling with God: Again

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Commitment.

When you read that word, what do you think? Does fear invade your mind? Does your body convulse? Do you get sweaty palms and a racing heart? Do you, like me, go through your agenda, weighing your options if you should or shouldn’t? Or perhaps, you freeze, your walls around your mind have gone into defense mode and you are paralyzed.

It’s a strong word, don’t you think.

Today, I was asked to volunteer at my church. I am new there and desire to get connected, yet am really good at dragging my feet to do so. Thankfully, the inquirer left a voice message, because when commitment leaped in front of me flailing its arms, I sat like a statue in my chair while thoughts flew every which way in my mind. Should I? I know I will like the position. But what if I miss dates? How often will this occur? My mind raced to find an answer before I pushed it off to God and returned to my lunch. Deep within, I already know my answer, but I keep arm wrestling with God before I verbally rest on the decision.

The word rolled around on my tongue like it was a jawbreaker.

What would it mean?
a) I would have set plans – hard for a woman who likes to be spontaneous.
b) I am settling here – last time I gave into commitment, I rooted myself for twelve years, until God said move.
c) I would have to step outside of fear that has been holding me back – I know this a good thing, but that lazy human in me likes her comfort zone.

What am I afraid of?
Failing – What if’s, the hypotheticals that plague anyone with fear.
Being Accepted – Will those I volunteer with like me? I’m silly, laugh at almost everything, encouraging, always ready to fix or offer solutions, challenging, collaborative, and like to be told that something needs to be done, but not how to do it. Let me put my own personality on the process.
Being married to this position – false beliefs, but remember I’m paralyzed in my chair, with fear walls around my mind. Will there be an ejection button, should I want out?

Sitting content where I am, I take a deep breath and find rest, fully surrendering. I don’t like getting into wrestling matches with God, I know He will win, but sometimes its necessary for me to debate in order for Him to pull me out of the forest to see the trees.

Commitment…(sigh)…breathe.

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. Raul says:

    I feel you on this. Commitment to be disciple has been an mind fight against being the comfortable zone. I encourage you to read Philippians 2:6-8 and ask if Jesus would have stay in heaven and come not to a so non-comfortable dark world where would we be? Blessings fellow blogger! 🙂

    Like

    1. becketar says:

      Thank you for the suggested read. I’ll check it out.

      Like

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